Pretentious eating

Bland, uncooked shit. This is what a Bloody Indian thinks of Western food. Some make a big issue of appreciating it – “Oh I lurrrve bland food.” Morons. If it’s bland it doesn’t taste of anything. Nobody likes bland food. Not even the British. Yes, I know they eat fish and chips, but they put vinegar on it don’t they?

You can cash in on this weakness. If you want to make a lot of money in India, open a restaurant. Call it Sodium. Or Garlic. Or Stove. It should be one word and pretentious. That makes money because Bloody Indians think pretentious is cool.

The food should be pretentious as well. Use as many Italian and French words as you can. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what they mean or if you’re using them wrong, just fling them around. Bloody Indians are too pretentious to admit they don’t know French and Italian words – and too lazy to find out what they actually mean.

Get some wilted lettuce, squirt some brine and yoghurt over it, sprinkle on some pepper and chillies. Don’t call it “Hands up, this is culinary dacoity” as you should. Call it “Freshly picked Italian pastrami dipped in pis de mer, served over a delicately creamed nougat sauce, topped with penne mascarpone”. Charge 250 rupees for it (it’s ESSENTIAL that it be expensive) and watch them go at it like a bunch of half-starved bunnies.

Getting the idea? Here’s another example. Heat an oven to 375F. Take a chicken leg and wave it around inside for 20 seconds. Take some ketchup you’ve left in the sun for a couple of days and crumble over it. Sprinkle with sawdust.

Call it “Smoked French duck served rare in a blanket of fine herbs and sun-dried hand-picked Italian pellati parmesano”. Charge 1,000 rupees for it. If you charge any less, you'll get beaten up for serving raw chicken. Charge a 1,000 bucks and whoever's shelled out will assume that they just "don't get it".

Try and squeeze these descriptions out a bit. Have a couple of paragraphs. If you do, you can easily charge double of what you think might get you beaten up. And if you get somebody who actually knows the words you’ve used, simply say you’re a fusion artist and you adapt the recipes for local conditions.

If they say, “Yeah, but you’ve said chicken osso buco – you can’t have chicken osso buco. And you’ve said this has…”

Interrupt with the following. “If you shut up, your dinner will be on the house.”

If that doesn't work, nothing will.