Special report: Mallus

No, I’m not Malayali, but I think they deserve special mention. The Mallus manage to defy history, geography and even fundamental physics in their ubiquity.

If you’re an employer, remember that if you hire a Malayali, you hire a large portion of the state of Kerala. Let one of them into your office and before you know it, it’ll be home to a large population of Jobis, Shyjus, Nijos, Shylas, Marias, Nairs, Matthews, Jijus, Menons, Kuttys, Gopis, Sweetys, Vergheses, Chakos, Abrahams, Georges and Rosys.

You will probably get a lot of work done. But you will also find that suddenly, all your clients speak Malalayam… but how is that possible? They’re Scottish.

“Yess, I know, butt my cujjin Mybo is verking as a coafee boi.. so ve are dealing with him only noew.”

Apparently it’s no problem because Mybo’s cousin has outsourced the work to his brother’s best friend Jobi whose uncle works in a big advertising agency and uses the computer systems on Sundays to get the work done, and it’s taken to his best friend’s brother’s printing agency where it’s printed for nearly nothing at 4am when the owners are asleep and delivered through Joseph on his bicycle along with the morning papers.

The whole process costs about twenty paise and is done over the weekend. Your Scottish clients used to pay 20,000 rupees and wait for a month.

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If you’re visiting friends or relatives in Kerala, don’t be surprised if one day you hear this:

“Tomorrow, we will be driving for 23 hours to attend the marriage of a clawse relative.”

Twenty three hours?? Who is it?

“You remember Aunty Minakshi we met yesterday? Her brother’s cujjin’s sister-in-law’s sister’s son’s brother-in-law. Clawse relative. So we are going.”

More as it comes.

No Southies spared

So, you thought the Southies were going to get away huh? No chance. Here are some conduct rules for the snooty Souths.

1) ‘Shaving off your moustache’ and ‘emasculation’ DO NOT mean the same thing. If your moustache is the only thing that makes you look “manly”, then you’ve got a bit of a problem haven’t you? In fact, in some cultures, having a moustache and no beard is the GAYEST thing you can do. Note, Southie girls, this doesn’t apply to you – please feel free to lose the moustaches. The sideburns can stay though. They’re cute, especially when the sun’s shining from behind.

2) Going to sleep afterwards in your vest and lungi DOES NOT increase your chances of meeting her again.

3) Saying “chumma” all the time and ending all questions with “no?” sounds just as disgusting as “yaar”.

4) Butter chicken, balle balle – you’re a little bit envious that India’s most visible culture is all North Indian aren’t you? (Yes, yes, Punjabi as well.) A little bit? YOU’RE JEALOUS!!!! People around the world think all Indians ride white horses to their weddings and YOU’RE PISSED OFF. Kamal Hassan is not nearly as famous as he should be and you’re UPSET.

5) Choose one: (a) Your future spouse reads Kafka and rides a Luna. (b) Your future spouse reads Dan Brown and drives a Mercedes Benz. The Southie will choose (a) in public and (b) in private. We’re soooo snooty about being cultured and accusing the Northies of being “money minded”, but in the end, AT LEAST THOSE NORTHIES ARE HONEST, which is more than can be said for you.

6) If God wanted to you live with oil in your hair, he would have made you sweat Parachute nariyal theyl.

Lessons for the Northie

I can forgive somebody from France for thinking we all speak “Indian”. I can even forgive an American for thinking we ride to work on Bengal tigers and charm snakes on the weekend for extra money. But I can’t forgive the ignorance of the North Indian.

I live in Bangalore and I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been asked, “So, do you speak that Karnataka language?” Or, from somebody better informed: “So, do you speak Kannadi language?”

And these are Northies who’ve lived in Bangalore for years. As for the ones who’ve never been south of the Vindhyas: “So, do you speak... their language?”

I know that you speak Gujarati (or maybe even Sindhi) in Gujarat; that you speak Oriya in Orissa; that you communicate in grunts and hisses in New Delhi. So why do you, Mr. North Indian, know so little about us?

The Northies I’ve met call us Madrasis and think of us as short dark little men (they think the men and women are indistinguishable) who wear lungis and eat nothing but dosas, and let sambhar and rasam run down to our armpits from where we lick it off as we go.

If you’re a Northie, here are some lessons for you.

1) The south of India is divided into FOUR states – you know, those Rajasthan, Harayana type thingies?

2) There are, consequently, FOUR distinct major languages. In KARNATAKA they speak KANNADA. In TAMIL NADU they speak TAMIL. (NOT Madrasi, or even Chennaiee.) In ANDHRA PRADESH they speak TELUGU. In KERALA they speak MALAYALAM. (NOT Keralese, Malayali or Mallu language.) Samja kya?

3) The advanced Northie learner may want to discover that it doesn’t end here. There are other languages (Tulu and Konkani for example) and there are many dialects. Magar yeh bahuth complex complex hai, so baad mein, thik?

4) Contrary to popular belief (your popular belief) not all of us are honoured to be spoken to in Hindi. “But it’s our national language!” When you can name the four southern states beta, then I’ll speak your national language.

5) We have a rich and varied cuisine. We DO NOT live on dosas with an idli or two thrown in for variety. And we drink water just like you, NOT rasam.

6) We agree that you’re all pretty nice looking, but also agree that once you open your mouths, the attraction dies instantly. No, not halitosis – but even that would be preferable to: “Eh nooo yaaaaar, mein tho bahuth friendly haiiii yaaaar. Come on hum shopping jayenge. Shopping.”

7) We can’t believe that you actually think we are uncouth.

8) Where, oh where do you buy those hideous clothes? And how do you manage to wear two items of clothing that shouldn’t even be in the same city together? Sorry, that’s not a lesson… my emotion is getting the better of me.