Bumwashing

Bumwashing is the single biggest proof that modern India has descended from a great and ancient civilisation. Toilet paper is one of the most barbaric things I can think of. Do your duty and then wipe it off? Not much of an advance from squatting in the woods and scraping yourself with leaves is it?

Say “skid marks” to an Indian and the only thing he or she will think of is hard braking. I’m not saying all of you TP types have skid marks, but you should know that the non-road skid mark concept is unknown in India. We have squeaky clean bums and can sweat without concern in our bright, white VIP underthings.

Dirty hands you might say? Well, when you’ve rubbed your finger on your own bum, you tend to make bloody well sure that you wash your hands properly. With toilet paper, there’s the danger of getting lazy. There’s the danger of saying, “Hey, I was careful today – I didn’t make direct contact – I folded over to the perfect thickness each time. May be I won’t wash.”

THAT’S DISGUSTING!!

Do you know that bathrooms in India today have little water hoses on the wall beside the toilet? They’re fantastic. And in summer the water is lovely and warm; you could spend the whole day washing.

Trust me, if one of your tasks in hell is to spend a month in somebody’s butt crack, you’d do well to choose a Bloody Indian.