Lessons for the Northie

I can forgive somebody from France for thinking we all speak “Indian”. I can even forgive an American for thinking we ride to work on Bengal tigers and charm snakes on the weekend for extra money. But I can’t forgive the ignorance of the North Indian.

I live in Bangalore and I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been asked, “So, do you speak that Karnataka language?” Or, from somebody better informed: “So, do you speak Kannadi language?”

And these are Northies who’ve lived in Bangalore for years. As for the ones who’ve never been south of the Vindhyas: “So, do you speak... their language?”

I know that you speak Gujarati (or maybe even Sindhi) in Gujarat; that you speak Oriya in Orissa; that you communicate in grunts and hisses in New Delhi. So why do you, Mr. North Indian, know so little about us?

The Northies I’ve met call us Madrasis and think of us as short dark little men (they think the men and women are indistinguishable) who wear lungis and eat nothing but dosas, and let sambhar and rasam run down to our armpits from where we lick it off as we go.

If you’re a Northie, here are some lessons for you.

1) The south of India is divided into FOUR states – you know, those Rajasthan, Harayana type thingies?

2) There are, consequently, FOUR distinct major languages. In KARNATAKA they speak KANNADA. In TAMIL NADU they speak TAMIL. (NOT Madrasi, or even Chennaiee.) In ANDHRA PRADESH they speak TELUGU. In KERALA they speak MALAYALAM. (NOT Keralese, Malayali or Mallu language.) Samja kya?

3) The advanced Northie learner may want to discover that it doesn’t end here. There are other languages (Tulu and Konkani for example) and there are many dialects. Magar yeh bahuth complex complex hai, so baad mein, thik?

4) Contrary to popular belief (your popular belief) not all of us are honoured to be spoken to in Hindi. “But it’s our national language!” When you can name the four southern states beta, then I’ll speak your national language.

5) We have a rich and varied cuisine. We DO NOT live on dosas with an idli or two thrown in for variety. And we drink water just like you, NOT rasam.

6) We agree that you’re all pretty nice looking, but also agree that once you open your mouths, the attraction dies instantly. No, not halitosis – but even that would be preferable to: “Eh nooo yaaaaar, mein tho bahuth friendly haiiii yaaaar. Come on hum shopping jayenge. Shopping.”

7) We can’t believe that you actually think we are uncouth.

8) Where, oh where do you buy those hideous clothes? And how do you manage to wear two items of clothing that shouldn’t even be in the same city together? Sorry, that’s not a lesson… my emotion is getting the better of me.