No Southies spared

So, you thought the Southies were going to get away huh? No chance. Here are some conduct rules for the snooty Souths.

1) ‘Shaving off your moustache’ and ‘emasculation’ DO NOT mean the same thing. If your moustache is the only thing that makes you look “manly”, then you’ve got a bit of a problem haven’t you? In fact, in some cultures, having a moustache and no beard is the GAYEST thing you can do. Note, Southie girls, this doesn’t apply to you – please feel free to lose the moustaches. The sideburns can stay though. They’re cute, especially when the sun’s shining from behind.

2) Going to sleep afterwards in your vest and lungi DOES NOT increase your chances of meeting her again.

3) Saying “chumma” all the time and ending all questions with “no?” sounds just as disgusting as “yaar”.

4) Butter chicken, balle balle – you’re a little bit envious that India’s most visible culture is all North Indian aren’t you? (Yes, yes, Punjabi as well.) A little bit? YOU’RE JEALOUS!!!! People around the world think all Indians ride white horses to their weddings and YOU’RE PISSED OFF. Kamal Hassan is not nearly as famous as he should be and you’re UPSET.

5) Choose one: (a) Your future spouse reads Kafka and rides a Luna. (b) Your future spouse reads Dan Brown and drives a Mercedes Benz. The Southie will choose (a) in public and (b) in private. We’re soooo snooty about being cultured and accusing the Northies of being “money minded”, but in the end, AT LEAST THOSE NORTHIES ARE HONEST, which is more than can be said for you.

6) If God wanted to you live with oil in your hair, he would have made you sweat Parachute nariyal theyl.