Spitting

In the west, commuters and shoppers are often troubled by excess PDA – Public Display of Affection. A survey has shown that even there, PDA makes people uncomfortable. I say “even there” because Bloody Indians tend to think of the West as a place full of loose white-skinned people rubbing each other up in the streets with nobody giving a damn.

Except for nightclubs full of teenyboppers, PDA isn’t too much of an issue in India. The problem is with PDE, or Public Display of Expectoration. It’s hard to put in writing, but it goes something like this: KHKWHARRRRRRRKHHHHHHH.

And then there’s a pause just long enough to allow you this thought, “The man has brought up three truckloads of mucus and he’s just sitting there with them in his mouth??”

And then it comes. A nice, heavy, wet TPHUUU as he spits out a pillow-sized gob that splatters all over the pavement.

Bloody Indians with this habit give a new meaning to the verb “to hawk”. It’s more a form of mucoid catharsis – you can almost see those pink and shiny airways flowing free again when they’re done. They reach so far down that you’d think they’d never have to do it again in their
lifetimes… but ten minutes, they’re at it again.

Not all Bloody Indians hawk before spitting though. There are some that seem to generate more saliva than their bodies can handle, so they keep spitting it out like this: Thup. Thup. Thup. With minimal effort they propel little globules amazing distances, where they flop to the ground and give themselves little dust jackets. And these spitters keep doing it over and over, until you want to fix it so that they have to gently spit their teeth out one by one as well.

As a result of all this PDE, people who ride motorcycles or motorscooters in India, quickly learn to be very careful when overtaking buses. People who wear helmets hurriedly snap their visors down as they pass. And if they see somebody leaning out and doing the KHKWHARKH, they honk loudly or shout so that he won’t release until they’ve gone by.

Being spat on is an insult pretty much anywhere in the world, but in India it is particularly heinous. (In fact, if you’re in an argument with somebody on the street, the best way to insult and annoy is not to tell them that you’ve slept with their sister, but to dry spit. Just say “Thoo” loudly and it’ll have all the effect you’d ever want.)

This means that if you are ever accidentally spat on as you pass a bus, it would be perfectly within your rights to stop the bus, get on and beat the spitter up. Or spit back.

You might find, on bad days, that you’re half-hoping to be hit.