Taking too easy a stand

Performing arts troupes that visit India from abroad should be warned that Bloody Indian audiences have loose morals. They’re horribly critical of anything home-grown, but throw their arms open wide for ANYTHING from the west, especially theatre from England and music from Europe.

Suddenly the audiences are all warm, cuddly and accepting, laugh loudly at the smallest joke, readily accept vulgarity, make small grunts of appreciation at literary references and, best of all, give a standing ovation at the end.

In most parts of the world, standing ovations are reserved for the truly great or brilliant. In India, a mediocre pub troupe from London would get a standing ovation (provided there are enough whites in the cast). Or any show with a famous name in it.

It’s almost as if the audience members decide before leaving home that they’ll worship.

“This play from Bombay has Naseeruddin Shah in it – so we MUST stand up and do somersaults at the end. Are you carrying your pom-poms?”

“It’s a play from London so OF COURSE we’re going to fervently love every second of it. I'd better put on extra underwear.”

Sometimes this enthusiasm tells on the performers. Classical musicians, for example, will find that their Indian audiences clap loudly and enthusiastically between movements. The ones who don't, get glared at. "What a spoil sport, he's refusing to clap." Shows that end on poignant silences will find that Indian audiences ALWAYS start clapping too early. In fact, any silence longer than four seconds, will bring forth volleys. Have lots of fill-in music.

Running for doors
If you’re not visiting from England or America and you don’t have a movie star in your cast, don’t be too pleased at the occasional standing ovation. It’s more likely that the audience just wants to rush for the nearest exit so they can avoid the crowd on the staircases.

This is especially obvious at movies in India. You’ll find that the instant the hero has blown up the villain’s hideout, people will stand and run. They don’t want to bother with silly stuff like ashy kisses against a backdrop of flames and rubble. There's no chance of a sex scene between that and the credits anyway.

Sometimes these people stand up too early (may be the monster isn’t actually dead) so half the theatre watches the end of the movie standing in the aisles near the entrance.

All of this just to be the first to get to your car and sit in it waiting for everybody else to come and move theirs out of the way.